Blog Entry: Twisted Freaks Need Love, Too – Lia’s Valentine’s Day Contest
I don’t know why I’m offering to do this, because my plate is so full, but I honestly think it would be fun. So. CONTEST TIME!
First up, what I’m offering:
- A signed copy of the Dearly, Departed audiobook – 17 hours of actors pretending to be my characters! (Yes, actors - there are five narrators, so the entire thing sounds like a vintage audio play.) I figured this was a little different, as the book’s been going out a lot.
- Signed posters, bookmarks, stickers, whatever else I feel like throwing in there.
- CANDY!
And how can you win, you ask? Well, there’s where you have to prove yourself to me. After reading this article, I joked on Twitter that I would write a young adult novel about an anthropomorphic worm boy – since after making dead bodies lovable, what do you do for an encore? But the more I thought about it, the more ways I came up with for anthro-worm boy to work…
…and that’s exactly how Bram got his start. Because I’m sick in the head. You see where I’m going with this?
So, my Valentine’s Day contest has multiple parts.
- In the comments below, until February 3rd, I want you to recommend the most disgusting things you can think of. I want you to recommend a creature or idea so profoundly gross that you can never imagine it in a romantic (or even friendzoned) context.
- I will pick my favorite five ideas.
- I will write shorts for these five ideas (a page at most), trying my utmost best to sell these guys.
- We’ll vote on a winner. So while I may pick my five ideas subjectively, ultimately my writing will also be judged. I think this is pretty fair.
So, get to it! I want to cringe and cry as I read this list, people!
51 Comments
Christine
The first thing I thought of is easily the grossest thing I’ve ever seen and it’s on an episode of Doctor Who for me to enjoy over and over again! He’s an Abzorbaloff from the planet Klom. Here’s a picture: http://3.bp.blogspot.com/__v16ajx69Mw/RjHStEPjJMI/AAAAAAAAAN4/uDcKud_MOEM/s400/Abzorbaloff+gross.jpeg
Basically, he looks like a giant piece of snot and he absorbs people into his skin, thus the human faces all over him. It’s really gross and I get a little ill just looking at him. Enjoy!
Miss Habel
Anything from Dr. Who. XD Thank you for entering, the idea was great!
stella
Oh you realize you are really opening yourself up for some serious insanity right? Well I might as well help with this endeavor…
So at first thought someone would say tentacles right? NO! Tentacles are awesome… but you know whats NOT awesome? those goddamn Camel Spiders in the desert!
So to you I put forth the challenge.. Camel Spiders, in all their creepy gross and venomous glory…
that or a tuberworm. *bahahahhaahha*
Gypsy
I ALMOST went the easy route and chose Newt Gingrich, but I’m SURE we can all do better…
Just to really mess with myself, I’m going to say a clown…and not JUST a clown, an undead, zombie clown in the style of Dead Alive. All throbbing boils and pus and skin just sliding off into your…..*shudder*
all that…but a clown.
I’m off to be quite sick now.
(My being here is TOTALLY Stella’s fault btw….)
Miss Habel
I love this idea, but unfortunately clowns are the one thing I’M too scared of to write. XD Thank you for your entry, though!
Brittany Wood
Well, Here we go.
It took me quite some time to think of something gross enough, That even the great Lia Habel would cringe!
So here Is my idea.
As a side note, I had a hard time figuring out what you were wanting. So I tried to make it humanly possible. Since I had no idea If you were wanting a Sci Fi Or fiction.
So I was thinking, What if this person had a Disease?
More specific, “LEWANDOWSKY-LUTZ DYSPLASIA”
Where your hands Literally look like they were breaded, deep fried and served with wing sauce!
Now this man has been shunned from society. But get this, If thats not bad enough, He also has 3rd degree burns all over his body!
Making him look horrifying. This man Lives alone In a Forrest just outside of a small city. Eating rotting dead animals.
Miss Habel
I giggled so much as you kept afflicting the poor guy with more and more stuff (except for the burns, I just felt badly for him, then). Thanks for your entry!
Sandra
Tonsil stones. They’re extremely stinky and causes bad breath. Nasty food particles that get stuck in your tonsils and stay there until it either falls out or gets so big it irritates you. It’s a nice, mucousy yellow-green/beige when it comes out.
I guess a nasty tonsil monster would be cool and not really based off another animal or anything. It could be a huge thing made up of smaller tonsil monsters from humans’ surgically removed tonsils…that traps and spits out nasties. Nasties can be whatever you wish, Ms. Habel.
When I think gross, I don’t really think of other animals because humans are pretty friggin nasty. If I read about a tonsil monster, I’d grab my throat in fear.
Miss Habel
Oh my gosh, so gross! I don’t think I could even sell that. You’re better at this than I am. XD Thanks for your entry!
Flo
A brain.
That’s all I’m saying. I want you to write a story about a creepy, slimy, perverted brain that can read your thoughts and transmit it’s own.
Try and sell THAT, Lia!
Judith
An exploding cyst. Seriously check out the youtube videos for this. Its nasty.
Miss Habel
I’m never watching another video you recommend ever. Thanks for your entry, but I don’t think I could sell Pus Dude. I have met my match. XD
Miss Habel
My God, you guys are disgusting. I love it.
Eve
human centipede video and two girls one cup video…gross
Miss Habel
Here, have all my Nope. XD Thanks for your entry, though…blergh. I should’ve known better than to challenge all of you.
Tif
My idea would have to be cat poop.
I don’t know about everyones cat but my baby girl has the worst cat poop Everrrr!! Its so gross and half the time is smells soooo bad lol.
Thats got the grossest thing I can think of right now lol.
Miss Habel
That’s pretty gross – I don’t think I could sell it! Thanks for your entry, though.
Bri M.
Cordyceps. It’s a type of parasitic fungus. This video put it on my most-grossest-things list.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=XuKjBIBBAL8
In summary, it grows inside the insect and kills it. Then it sprouts from its body and grows twice the size of the insect in some cases. It sends out its spores into the air to continue its deadly life cycle.
I know it’s an insect’s fungus, but you can twist it around and make it a human’s illness too. Or just write it in a bug’s perspective. It would be the most interesting romance. The diseased person (or bug) will hurt the ones it loves.. by dying.
Even if I’m not picked, it will be awesome to see what you can do with all these ideas
Dani @ Refracted Light
Ok… not a trekkie, even though my husband’s forced me to watch practically EVERY Star Trek episode ever made. But there’s this race of alien I always found to be fascinatingly gross. They suffering from this necrotizing virus, so to combat this, they harvest other race’s organs and pretty much stitch them up piece-meal on their bodies so that the end result is this Frankenstein-like mix of diseased, rotting flesh and alien organs/body parts.
Also gross… a monster made entirely of dog poo (I’ll let you figure out how that’d work… lol), a love interest with the head of a humpback anglerfish (my personal vote, ’cause no WAY that could be anything but gross), or a slug man.
Everyone’s ideas are all awesome. I’m officially grossed out and should’ve waited a bit longer after dinner before reading all these delightfully disgusting comments…
Miss Habel
I know, I shouldn’t have eaten cookies first. Thank you so much for sharing! XD
Laura
A Taniwha. It’s a Maori creature/monster that lives in dangerous water ways. They have been known to be guardians, but also kidnap women to make their wives.
They use to scare the crap out of me as a kid.
Miss Habel
I really loved this idea – thank you so much for sharing it! I have a new myth to learn about, now.
Maddy
Well Golllum from Lord of the Rings is defiantly addorably creepy and strange. But a faun is just plain scary. A man and a goat should never be combined. But if we’re thinking in realistic terms then a tick is the most disgusting. They’re nasty little boogers that are almost invisible and bury their head in your skin. Nasty as heck.
Miss Habel
Aww, Gollum just wants the shiny. But eww, no, not ticks! Thanks for entering!
genagirl
The most disgusting thing I can think of is a dead body that has been in the water for a long, long time. The skin would be sloughing off, gray/green and rotting. It would have a maw full of slimy stinking tongue and gory, pus glistening and there would be maggots crawling in and out of orifices. This creature would need to replace the parts that fell off so it would rip off arms, legs, whatever and try to keep its body intact – so to speak.
Miss Habel
This is an awesome idea.
Thanks so much for entering!
Emberchyld
As someone who occasionally works with dead bodies, it takes a LOT to gross me out. But the things that have a huge ick factor for me are those bugs that lay eggs just under your skin so that, when the larvae hatch, they’re burrowing just under the surface of your skin until they decide to burst through. The fact that they’re eating YOU makes it even worse. And if you see them wiggling beneath the surface of your skin…. *shudder*
Miss Habel
Ieeeee no. I’ve seen those videos of bot flies. NO NO NO. You win the gross-out contest.
Alyssa
Well i wanted to go in a different direction with this. by making something up. so here goes! hope you are all Discussed with this (:
So, there is a Pollen that when it touches flesh it makes you break out all over with bubbly boils that oozes and makes all the flesh melt off the bone, meanwhile that gross thing is going on that person is vomiting up all their organs and insides. so the end result is a Walking Skeleton. But over time do to the pollen, the bone dissolves in a fizzy way
yummy isn’t it?
Brittany
okay, here goes. In this completely dark rotting room, maybe a bit like something from Silent Hill, where the paint is rotting and peeled of the walls, filled with a hideous stench, there is a monster that lurks. Nobody quite knows what this being is, but they know what he does. He’s not alive, but yet he lives. His lair is filled with human and animal remains and body parts, like hearts and lungs and livers just all across the floor. The entire floor is completely covered with the old blood of his past victims. I don’t know how he captures his victims, but when he does, its all over for them. No mercy. First, he disembowels them, while still alive. They’re screaming in agony as he’s tearing out their guts forcibly. The experience is completely overwhelming to the victims all around. Their sensory organs are all being overloaded. The taste of the their own blood shooting from their bodies into their mouths. The horrible smell of past victims never cleaned up. Obviously, their flesh being ripped apart. And the complete lack of vision, from the darkness, is absolutely horrifying. After the victim finally dies from bodily shock and trauma, the demon eats the heads of the lifeless bodies. Horrible smells everywhere. Somewhere in the room, there is a huge toolbox full of all of his “tools.” Old rusty things covered with blood. This demon has no remorse even with children. In fact, he especially likes them. It would seem as though maybe its a curse that is keeping this creature around. Nature has nothing to do with this forbidden soul. Nobody knows why he does what he does. Perhaps its to further his own life because of the evil curse. The demon’s extremely skinny, perhaps even bone skinny. His skin looks like gelatinous, rotten fruit, all brown and slimy looking. It would appear as though he has no eyes, the same gelatinous substance covers where his eye sockets are. The only sound he makes is the sound of a hurt, whimpering, young child. That was a direct reference to Dr. Freudstein from House by the Cemetery. Oh, and also, when he’s killing you, while you’re still alive, he chisels out your teeth. See, the guy has to be really gross and creepy. The lair has to be kind of old, so it already has that smell, and everything in the room needs to be aged. This bad guy has to be extremely gory and messy, like to the max. His tools need to be even kind of foreign looking, like perhaps medical devices only not used for the same purposes. Maybe like in the middle of the room, there can be some kind of bed/table thing where he straps his victims down, where he begins his incisions. Maybe the only noise he makes is like labored breathing and moaning. He doesn’t talk or anything. Nobody ever figures out his motives. Perhaps when he’s killing you, its almost like a warped medical procedure. Though no anesthetics are given. Completely botched. Maybe his lair is out in the woods, like some kind of old abandoned shack. People maybe accidentally stumble upon this place. He lures them in somehow. He never “cleans up” after himself, so he’s all covered in his own “mess.” Vomit is another gross thing. The room is totally going to be filled with old vomit. Perhaps from both the victims and the monster himself. Because he’s so old and decrepit, he just releases every excrement and bodily fluid onto himself. See, in my opinion sometimes, the bad guy has to be extremely disgusting to be scary. And the scenery has to look so over the top to be effective.
Hope you like my idea!
-Brittany
Miss Habel
You need to write this, because I don’t think I could do it justice. Thank you so much for sharing it!
Katlin Collins
Vomit. Vomit is like the most sickening thing in the world . . . Maybe not the most, but it’s what I chose.
Miss Habel
It is pretty sickening. XD Thanks so much for entering!
Elie
Lia, I wasn’t going to enter this, but for some reason my brain kept reeling through ideas all day long. So here it is…
a creature (man or something) that did something horrible ? to be cursed by the Earth. Here are his characteristics…
*hair of snakes or dead vines
*face/body formed by squirming insects like maggots or roaches
*fire raging inside him (like Earth core) that causes him to have breath of rotten Earth (compost) and frequently belch rot.
*To the touch he is cold as ice (poles)
*Eyes (only thing that shows his humanity or emotion) swirling blue like the oceans.
Maybe that could provide some inspiration… Happy Writing.
Elie
Lori
Monsters are scary, but humans can be utterly terrifying.
I was thinking of someone with a foot fetish, because really, it’s the grossest and weirdest fetish I can think of. He’s a handsome man, well-educated with a great job, and one who’s never at a loss for charm and wit. He’s able to pick up women whenever he needs, with the greatest of ease. He often meets women at bars, clubs, any social situation. After drinks and much wooing, he brings ladies back to his place, where he’s able to convince them to indulge his foot fetish. He works in the medical field, so having various medical devices at his home doesn’t seem unusual. He subdues the women (not killing them or causing any other harm, other than that to feed his fetish) and proceeds with his foot fetish. But he needs to keep a token (ala something akin to a serial killer) and keeps painted toenails. With a numbing substance injected just under the toenail, he extracts the perfectly pedicured nails and places them into small, intricate glass jars, which are displayed on countless shelves that line the walls in his basement.
I hope this can help you out some. If not, hopefully it’ll really gross you out
Miss Habel
I got to “foot fetish” and had to stop reading for a second. XD Thank you so much for your ideas!
Lori
Yeah foot fetishes are weird…probably more creepy than gross. It was fun to come up with something that totally creeped me out. Maybe a little too creeped out! LOL!!
Amy F
The only thing that I can think of is a body that is so gross and decomposed that the skin is literally melting off like slime. The organs seeping internal bodily fluids. It’s crawling with maggots and other flesh eating insects. And the smell it just too unbearable to describe.
Miss Habel
Ewwwwww, haha. Thanks for your entry!
Nicole
I was thinking something like a 18 year old boy, who was adopted by and evil demon when he was 5. The young boy never knew his parents or where he came from, he was told by the demon that he was never wanted by his parents. This man is a demon witch and very ugly, boils, rotting skin, mold growing off his skin ect. He takes the young boy and casts a spell on him (the boy Damen is very handsome, he is god like) the boy is turned into an ugly beast. The boy now has hair falling out, boils, rotting skin, bugs love to live on him, his skin also looks like it has major burning to it and he smells like rotting flesh. But, Damen still has an amazing personality and amazing blue eyes that look like the ocean and what he doesn’t know yet is he has powers that can destroy the evil creatures that “adopted” him. The whiches spell can only be broke when he find true love, but if he doesn’t find it by midnight of his 19th birthday Damen’s curse will eventually lead to his slow unbearable death. (his parents are god’s, but he doesn’t know this)
Miss Habel
This is an amazing idea. o_o You should totally write it and give it the treatment it deserves! Thank you so much for sharing it!
Rachel
Hi Lia,
I was watching Kingdom of Heaven not too long ago and there is a character in that movie that insprired me for this contest. He was a king who was always clothed and his faced covered with a mask. He had leprosy (NOT saying there is anything wrong with people who have leprosy I have nothing against that disease) but anyways its a disease that attacks your skin and it almost looks like it is melting off your body and you get skin lesions and to the extreme you can loose your extremidies like you nose, fingers and even your eyes! It’s not a very pleasant thing to have and that’s why I think it would make a perfect character for a cute little girl to fall in love with
It’s my birthday tomorrow too, send me some love!
BTW I loooved Dearly Departed I cannot wait for Dearly Beloved <3 I think you are awesome.
Miss Habel
Thanks for your compliment – and OMG, I love that movie! I love Liam Neeson and Edward Norton so much. XD Thank you for your entry!
Teri
Just thought I would throw my 2 cents in here. What bout either a Tapeworm or Magets
Miss Habel
I’m imagining a face like a Predator’s, for some reason. XD Totally gross – thanks for your entry!
Courtney Davis
I would recommend…
The Blob Fish:
(Image: http://www.popsci.com/files/imagecache/article_image_large/articles/blobfish4.jpg )
Not only does this creature resemble something you’ve coughed into a handkerchief during your worst flu bender, but its curiously humanoid facial appearance seems to suggest that it’s trying to integrate into our society. It will never work, of course, because one look at the hideous visage of this… this thing is enough to tickle the gag reflex in the back of my throat.
Miss Habel
Bahaha, I love that face, though! Thanks for your entry!
Chelsea
The first thing that comes to my mind is a character like Igor.. Short, paper-white skin, a hump over one shoulder so he’s constantly hunched over.. Hair is patchy and uneven.. Creepy Igor voice with a heavy, panting-like breath to his words. The eyes are maybe uneven, one noticably higher than the other.. One maybe even larger than the other. Perhaps blindness in one has turned the iris an odd, milky, cloudy white. Hands tucked up like a T-Rex, one leg dragging a little from one old injury or another.. And, like Renfield from ‘Dracula: Dead and Loving it’, he gets “lives.. Not big lives.. Bugs, spiders…” which he eats. Of course, there wouldn’t be much going on upstairs.. But, to turn him from freaky to disgusting.. He’d need some sort of disease.. Preferably something that gives his skin the appearance that it’s melting.. Maybe even have him give a good yank to his hair to pull his face back up where it belongs! Little drippy fingernails.. haha. And, if that’s not enough, and you really want to up the ‘gross-factor’, well, anything that looks like death would certainly have a collection of those little flesh-eating menaces.. “The worms crawl in, the worms crawl out, The worms play pinochle on your snout. They eat your eyes, they eat your nose, They eat the jelly between your toes. A big green worm with rolling eyes, Crawls in your stomach and out your eyes.” I’d shudder…
Miss Habel
I loved both these ideas! You totally need to write – your eye for detail is incredible.
Thanks for entering!
Chelsea
Thank you very much! It was loads of fun!
Chelsea
The other idea I had would be a guy that is fully alive and physically healthy (mentally would be a different story!), however, he has the ability to substitute mangled or lost body parts with those of the deceased. Perhaps an eye that is fully functional but looks dead and rolls around in the socket. The scars around the eye from the injury cause a bad spasm. Maybe an arm or leg or something as well.. Ears.. Organs… Possibilities are endless!