Tall, Dark, and Dead – 89 – Zombiegeddon
Director: Chris Watson
Leads: Mark Adams, Ari Bavel, Tom Savini, Uwe Boll
Favorite quote: “You mean there’s an alien life force created by the devil?”
Thoughts: Last Thursday I innocently opened my latest delivery from Netflix, and this is what greeted me.
See, right there is where I should’ve taken a stand. The two seconds it took me to read that text, seated on a hard plastic bench at work in front of a space heater cranked up so high I could feel my eyeballs drying out, marked the precise moment when I should’ve thrown in the towel and chosen to turn my life around. Started…I don’t know…writing romance novels about lonely, middle-aged women on holiday in Majorca, or something. Something normal.
But what did I chose to do instead?
Play the freaking thing.
And that’s when I saw this.
Now, sarcasm aside, Uwe Boll – UWE BOLL – warned me not to watch Zombiegeddon. After the textual warning, he actually came on screen and verbally told me not to watch Zombiegeddon. That it sucked. That it was the worst movie he had ever seen in his life.
And you know what? I should’ve listened! He was trying to help! Why didn’t I listen? Was I too proud? Did I seek to mock him? Defy him? Why? I still don’t understand! I still don’t understand how my life could have gotten to that point!
I can’t even begin to describe how badly this movie sucked. This was the worst thing I’ve ever seen in my life, too. Do you know what it’s like sharing an extreme in taste, an artistic line in the sand, with Uwe Boll?
The rest of this has to be notes. I can’t do this.
Radio lady tells of coming zombie apocalypse because ancient zombie-slaying family has come to an end – did I mention that the zombie-slaying family has a tiger? And acid-washed jeans? Because they do.
TOM SAVINI WAS ASSOCIATED WITH THIS?! TOM SAVINI IS…JESUS CHRIST. NO, HE’S REALLY JESUS CHRIST.
Jeffrey – kid – just trying to help! You’re sending him to a psychiatrist for proactive zombie identification? You suck, and I would’ve been screwed if you’d been my principal.
…now it’s a comedy about Satan killing all the women on earth?
…man becomes zombie after being refused a porno rental. This explains everything.
This might be the most homophobic zombie movie I’ve ever seen. I was used to the sexism and racism, but homophobia? What?
How did Uwe Boll even HEAR about something this bad? Uwe Boll is Oscar-worthy compared to this!
So Satan’s version of humanity is…zombies. Right. No. Aliens?
And the two dirty cops are…well, one is Jeffrey. The other’s just a total tool.
Giving up giving up screw the credits giving up RIGHT NOW.